gratitude and attitude

Joey dislocated and broke his kneecap on a camp-out 2 weeks ago. It's been a little difficult for me to focus on the gift and nevermind the gripes. The gripes are coming from me...not Joey. He is happy, in good spirits, and smiling all the time. He remains positive in the face of diversity. Such a great son; he teaches his mother lessons in gratitude and positive attitude. The recovery will be slow, 2 months, and physical therapy consists of a month more. The costs will be high even after insurance pays their part. Nevertheless, I have enjoyed hanging with my son and helping him. He is a wonderful joy.

Plugging Along

On April 15, 2010, my Mom left this world and went to the next. The past few months have been devastating and horrible as we all try to restructure our lives without her.

The grieving process for my Mom began quite some time ago, however, when she started chemo/rad and began to go quickly downhill.

Life moves forward, however, and I am still quite unsure how I manage to live every day without her. I have decided that nothing else in my life is hard, because that one thing has shown me what HARD really is.

The waves keep coming, and life keeps moving on. School is still in session for me, since I decided to take a summer class. Fall semester is rapidly approaching. I'm inviting as many people as I can to my graduation in may of '11, because I know my Mom won't be there smiling and crying and bustin' at the seams with pride and joy over her little girl finally graduating from college.

It just about kills me to consider that she won't be there.

I'm my Mama's girl, and she raised me to just keep on plugging away. So this is me...still plugging along.

True Love

While reading about intimacy in relationships for my homework, I found myself thinking constantly about my mother and father. They’ve been married for forty-six years. Six years ago, my mother was diagnosed with oral cancer. It was devastating news (she’d never smoked/drank/chewed). She endured two surgeries which cut away half of her tongue, all of the soft tissue inside her mouth, and three of her teeth on the right hand side. After the second surgery, the doctors prescribed her a special pill that suppressed the cancer at the cellular level. Although incredibly draining on her system, the medication worked, and the cancer went into remission. Unfortunately, as is often the case with cancer, it returned with a vengeance in May of 2009. Six months of chemotherapy and daily radiation treatments failed to eradicate the tumor. As a last resort, my Dad took her to Huntsman Cancer Institute in Salt Lake City, Utah.

A world-renowned surgeon at the Institute, Jon Hunt, gave my Mom two options: radical surgery or awaiting death. My Mom and Dad chose the radical surgery. It was performed in January of 2010. For weeks and weeks, my vibrant, bouncy, AMAZING mother has been confined to Huntsman Institute Room #5506. Week after agonizing week, my dear, devoted father has not left her side. Patiently, with great care, he has learned to nurse her around the clock. A calm and patient man, he dislikes conflict and avoids it when possible. In defending and advocating for his bride, however, he was a giant in rendering her the best care available from every staff member. He stood by her bedside and refused to let anyone bully her. He slept on the small couch in her room, ate his meals in a chair beside her bed, and did his laundry in a small washroom just down the hall.

Intimacy in relationships doesn’t just mean physical gratification. It is love so deep that it transcends even cancer. My Dad left everything else behind; the care of their home, livestock, fields; his job; his friends, activities, hobbies. Caring for my Mom was all that mattered.

My mother is finally well enough to leave Huntsman Cancer Institute today. My father is driving her to a skilled nursing facility near their home to finish her recovery. He will be able to return home, finally, only twenty minutes from her location. She will be in the facility, near several of her children and a multitude of friends, for only a little while until her wound completely heals. The wound was a gaping hole encompassing her entire left cheek and part of her neck but has now healed to just a small hole needing temporary care.

Intimacy requires devotion, commitment, and emotional depth. During this ordeal, I have watched my Dad. I realized that everything in his life--all of the learning, skills, and knowledge he has gained--has been for this moment in their lives. There is an 80% chance that the cancer will come back sooner or later in the next five years. Regardless, the level of intimacy between the two of them has been altered forever. And we children have learned life lessons while watching this perfect example of intimacy play out before our eyes. How blessed I am to have such noble parents to set the example.

Pet Therapy Pleasures

As many of you know, I am involved with the Pet Therapy program at West Valley Medical Center in Caldwell. Three years ago, I went through the training with our black lab, Smokey. Last year, however, I retired her because she got liver disease from toxic trash dumped on the canal bank. We thought she was going to die. She didn't, but she is unable to visit at the hospital anymore since her stamina is diminished. This year, I decided that I really missed volunteering with Pet Therapy, and so I took my pug dog, Sally, through the program. She got her first introduction to it when we visited my Mom at the Huntsman Cancer Institute in Salt Lake City, Utah. That was in January. Since then, we have traveled a rewarding journey. Thursday March 25, we graduate from our training and, as soon as I get our Therapy Dogs, Inc. registration cards, we will be visiting patients and creating smiles. Last week during observed visits, we went into the ICU waiting room. It was full of people. When we walked in, I felt like the stress was so thick it could be cut with a knife. People were in tears and pain was etched on their faces and evident in their wringing hands. As the group of Therapy Dogs made their rounds, faces softened, hands petted dogs, and stress was relieved. In particular, one little girl of about 6 or 7 years was petting Sally. Then she stood up and started talking to Sally about visiting the hospital. Sally tipped her head back and forth as the little girl chatted. When the little girl saw Sally's tilted head, she clapped her hands to her cheeks and exclaimed, "She's listening to me!" It made her day to see that a little pug dog was listening to her.

As I mentioned earlier, my Mom is at Huntsman Cancer Center. She had surgery to remove the tumor in her throat that had not responded to chemo/rad. A few times, she nearly died. And I mean...she really was at the edge. At one point, I thought, as I left the hospital, that she would be gone when I went back in the morning. She has defied all odds, however, and is healing even after such a radical surgery. She cannot speak or eat, but she is spunky, sparkly, and still kicking around. The doctors are hopeful to release her to go home in a couple more weeks.

The gripe is that cancer and illness exist. The gift is that there is Pet Therapy to ease the pain and worry, and modern medical miracles which can oft times give us a little more time with our loved ones.

Fuzzy Furball Fits

Today we took our three indoor-only kitties and black lab to the vaccination clinic at Zamzow's. As we loaded the kitties into their carriers, two of the three began to yowl before we even left the house. Cutie, Joey's Maine Coon mix tabby cat, curled up in the bottom of the carrier and went to sleep. She had plenty of room in the biggest carrier (since she is the fattest of the three).

We hauled all three out to the minivan (Wayne asked Joey if he wanted a wheelbarrow to take Cutie out because she's heavy hahaha) and put them in the back. Then we loaded the black lab, Smokey, into the van as well, since she was due for her yearly booster. As I got into the front seat, I could hear those 2 cats hollering like the dickens in the back. I looked back and saw poor old Smokey huddled up as far as she could get into the front. It was almost as if she was saying, "I am NOT staying back there with those mad kitties!!" The look on her face was so funny!

All 4 pets were successfully vaccinated and given the all-clear for health. It's a relief to have it done. Both teenage boys were very protective of their feline friends and responsibly carried, and cared for, their own fuzzy furballs during the entire experience. They are such excellent young men. I think it's admirable for them to be able to care for small, helpless animals with such dignity and tenderness.

Since this is my blog, I'll step up onto my soapbox for a minute! Indoor cats enjoy much more safety and are exposed to fewer dangers than outdoor cats. The life span for an indoor cat is 20-25 years while an outdoor cat's life span is about 7. Vaccinations for indoor cats come around every 2-3 years versus every year for outdoor. We always had outdoor cats when I was a kid, and those poor babies usually lived about 2-3 years at most. I've personally seen cats run over, bleeding from baseball bats to the head, swollen and infected with bites from fighting, huddled in the freezing cold, and crying from hunger.

Additionally, spaying/neutering your cat is doing him/her a HUGE favor! Please be responsible and see that it is done before 5 months of age. A female cat can get pregnant at 6 months of age, and she can get pregnant while still nursing kittens. If you knew how painful and horrible it was for a female cat to become pregnant, you would RUSH to the vet immediately for spaying as soon as possible. Please educate yourself and be a responsible pet owner. Okay, I'm putting the soapbox away now. =)

Being a huge animal lover, I count it as a wonderful blessing to be able to care properly for our pets.

Remembering the gripe/gift aspect that I am trying to promote in my entries this year, the gripe in this story is that the cost of caring for pets properly is high--and climbing. Last year, our vet's rates almost doubled, and so we chose the vaccination clinics in an attempt to save money. The gift is that our beloved pets are safe from disease and illness for several years.

Gripes with Gifts

Over the course of the last semester in college, I have come to the realization that I can really complain a lot. Based on the example of a very positive person that I interviewed for my internship, I have begun to look for the gift in the gripe.

You see, gripes are an inevitable part of life. It's what we DO with that gripe that counts. What is the gift? What are the blessings? If I choose to look at only the gripe, then happiness will always elude me. However, if I choose to look at the gifts, I will feel happy even though life isn't perfect.

Actually, I usually feel pretty happy inside, and so I decided to express that with my words. I love to write, and I feel good about life when I can write creatively and passionately.

I'm challenging myself this year to write more often on my blog and to look for and write down my gifts in the gripes.

Gift: my two sons are amazing because they both are faithful in our religion, and they are loving to their mother.

Gripe: oh they are growing up so quickly! =)

Podcast script for school

Collaboration Invites Creative Concepts for Resolving Conflict
By Liz Harding
Conflict Management Comm. 390
Dr. Heidi Reeder
2 November 2009

Hi, once again, this is Dr. Heidi Reeder, the communication doctor, with another tip of the day! Today’s tip contains phrases from the language of collaboration. What is collaboration? It is working together in a joint intellectual effort for the benefit of self and the relationship. What? You can preserve vital relationships and get your own way? Yes, with collaboration, the possibilities are endless!

Being highly constructive, collaboration requires education, skill, and practice. Although conflict can be a scary and tense passage of time, with collaboration, everyone engaged in the conflict feels satisfied when it is over. Furthermore, relationships improve, conflicts are resolved, and you just might find yourself smiling a lot more…and you didn’t even need Cialis or Viagra for the uplifting feeling!

Collaboration costs you nothing except time to practice and hone your skills. Today, you’ll learn a few phrases that you can use on a regular basis in conflict situations. Since it is best to first practice using them in a stress-free environment, practice it on your cat who can’t fight back (too much). By doing this, you can put feeling and form to the words before you actually have to apply them in a real conflict. Write down the following phrases and practice them frequently for your cat’s enjoyment!

The first phrase is an “I” statement based on the action of the other person. It says, “When you (insert a behavior), I feel (insert the emotion you are feeling), because (here’s where you state the reason you feel that way). Afterwards, a follow-up for future reference can be very helpful. For instance, “Fluffy, when you miss the litter box and do your business on the floor, I feel frustrated because then there is a stinky mess that requires cleaning. Dear Fluffy, to resolve this problem can we brainstorm for some helpful ideas?” Remember not to expect kitty to respond, she is after all, still a cat. The point is this; practicing collaborative language in a non-pressure situation gets you accustomed to using those words for when a real conflict occurs.

For example, after you have practiced on Fluffy, you see that your significant other has piled dirty laundry right in front of the bedroom door. Hooray! This is the perfect chance to practice your statement in a real-life conflict! You approach your partner and say, “Significant Other, when you pile your dirty laundry in the entrance to our bedroom, I feel frustrated because then there is a stinky mess which requires cleaning. Dear Significant Other, to resolve this problem, can we brainstorm for some helpful ideas?” Ta-da! Fluffy will be so proud, and you can be too!

Isn’t communication fun? Are you ready for some other helpful collaborative language? The second phrase for today is, “I like to assert myself, and I also like to cooperate with others.” In other words, “I want this relationship to stay healthy and intact, and I have some needs and desires to be met as well.”

Your third phrase uses descriptive language. Without assuming interpretation, talk about what you see in the other person’s behavior. For instance, you come home from work and your spouse is not speaking to you. You might be tempted to say something like, “Well, I can see I did something to make you mad and now you’re taking me on a guilt trip!” Instead, try objectively describing the behavior you see like this, “I’m looking at you and I see your back is towards me, you aren’t talking, and your shoulders are hunched forward. I’m thinking you might be upset and I would like for you to tell me if that perception is correct or not.” This is an open invitation for constructive communication.

Conversely, when two parties are engaged in a conflict, you might run into party poopers who act cranky and rude when you attempt to use your exciting new phrases. Try responding with your next phrase, “I know this is difficult, but we can work it out.” It’s simple, short, easy to remember, and very effective.

What if the other person becomes threatening? Continue to use collaborative language with your next phrase, “Your threat tells me that this issue is really important to you. I don’t work well with threats, so can we start this over and try a new approach?”

Our final phrase for today can be used when you want to collaborate, but the other person expresses that he or she already has the greatest solution and refuses to be swayed. It’s important to look at the situation with an educated mind full of collaborative language and use your fifth phrase, “I see that you feel your idea is the very best solution. Please remember that there are two of us involved in this decision, and I feel confident that we can come up with a solution that both of us feel satisfied with.”

The goal of collaboration is to preserve the relationship and get what you want ALL AT THE SAME TIME. By using the language of collaboration, you will invite creative concepts for resolving conflict.

Impressions

Crunch, crunch. The leaves under my feet made a lovely sound as I walked along the river today. Sunlight sparkled on the river, and the golden autumn leaves waved in the breeze. Feeling healthy and relieved to be done with class for another day, I breathed in deeply of the crisp, cool air. As the fallen leaves protested my footsteps, I noticed the impressions; impressions of leaves in the concrete.

The leaves had long since blown away, but their impressions were still evident in the concrete canvas. I started wondering what kind of impressions I make on those around me and what that looks like.

Realizing that the leaves' impressions were fleeting and would fade as the moisture evaporated, I wondered, too, how long the impressions I make will last.

As I continued to walk and wonder, I came to the end of the concrete and the beginning of asphalt. Being a completely different surface, the leaves made no impressions on it. "Am I impressionable?" I asked myself. "Am I capable of receiving impressions?"

I felt happy and lightened by the beauty of this beautiful earth. Calm and pleasant, the river wound through the trees at a leisurely pace. This time of year, the usual torrents of water have diminished to a gentle trickle, allowing the seagulls and ducks an easy wade in the shallows.

It felt so good to be alive. I felt grateful for eyes to see and ears to hear all of God's creations.

Seasons and transformations...beautiful to behold.

Movie Review

Pass on “The Proposal”

By Liz Harding

Boise, ID—“The Proposal” opens with a harried secretary, Andrew Paxton (Ryan Reynolds) rushing to fill the coffee needs of his demanding and irrational boss, Margaret Tate (Sandra Bullock). As the story continues to unfold, it becomes readily apparent that the boss/employee relationship is completely dominated by Tate, savvy editor-in-chief. For three years, Paxton has completely catered to Tate’s every command, and she has been happy to dish them out.

All of this changes, however, when she, a Canadian, is threatened with deportation. In her desperation, she announces that she and her unwitting secretary are engaged and requests a fiancé visa.

Under the watchful eye of the assigned immigration officer, Mr. Gilbertson (Denis O’Hare), the “happy” couple travel to Sitka, Alaska to tell his parents (Craig T. Nelson and Mary Steenburgen) and grandmother (Betty White) about the nuptials.

Met with conflicting emotions from family members, the two reaffirm their pact; he will agree to marry her so she can legally remain in the United States, and she will promote him to editor.

A three-day weekend in Alaska can apparently work miracles on even the most hardened and bitter of women. Away from the pressures of her job and the rigors of the city, Tate opens up and shares her deepest feelings, and the two begin to fall in love. The loving feelings begin to surface (after three years of despising each other) after a hurried kiss under familial pressure following the engagement announcement. The fact that his family owned half the town and was filthy rich certainly didn’t hurt, either.

While certain moments of the film garnish genuine laughter, such as when the conflict dynamics change to him being in charge of the relationship and she has to ask him nicely to marry her, most of this 108 minutes is spent with a simple plot-line that even a child could follow. Unfortunately, due to prolonged scenes of nudity, children and teens should not view this film.

In fact, most adults, if they have any sense, will mark “P” for pass on “The Proposal.” An anti-climatic ending, coupled with a completely unrealistic time-line (she miraculously changes from the meanest boss in the universe to his one true love in three short days), and less than stellar acting from Bullock and Nelson make this film worth about a dollar from Red box.

While Bullock’s performance failed to measure up to her incredible talent, White’s portrayal of the grandmother, Gammy, is hilarious and heart-warming. Additionally, Steenburgen’s role as Paxton’s mother is genuine and believable, and Reynolds’ talent finally makes a debut about half-way through the film.

Overall, “The Proposal” is a childish, romanticized spoof on reality with mediocre acting. Entertainment is definitely the name of the game, but it should be at least half-way believable.

Liz Harding is a junior at Boise State University and can be reached at lizharding@u.boisestate.edu.

Brick 29 Bistro Food Review

Brick 29 bistro serves up a musical medley for the mouth

By Liz Harding

Nampa, Id— Distinctive flavors, sparkling lights, prompt service; Brick 29 Bistro (320 11th Ave. South) provides a sincerely delicious dining experience. Each dish an artistic masterpiece, Chef/owner Dustan Bristol serves up decadent delight in each dish.
For starters, Idaho jo-jos ($5) use at least 2 large russet potatoes cut length-wise. Then, seasoned to perfection, they are stacked “Lincoln-log” style for artistic pleasure and easy pickings. Other tantalizing starters include garlic hummus ($6) served with roasted pitas, and pan-fried oysters ($9) served with cilantro cocktail sauce. In total, seven appetizer choices ($5-10) tempt the taste buds.

While savoring the flavorful appetizers, ample time for a full perusal of Brick 29’s dinner menu is possible. With ten dinners available, even finicky diners have options. Vegetarian fare such as eggplant napoleon ($13) nestles alongside heartier meals such as Black Angus Flat-iron Steak ($18).

Utilizing local and seasonal ingredients, Chef Bristol cooks up additional entrees that vary daily. Knowledgeable staffers describe the surprising and decadent feasts awaiting the diner for the day.

Cooked to order with the freshest ingredients available, the food at Brick 29 is best eaten slowly. The bistro chicken ($14) pleads to be savored and rolled over the tongue as subtle and enticing flavors blend in perfect harmony. A slight hint of bourbon blends with tender wild mushrooms and, paired with chicken so tender it falls apart easily with a fork, the symphony is complete.

Additional offerings include salads ($4-10) and soup ($4-6). Tomato bisque ($4 cup/$6 bowl) encompasses fresh tomatoes in a thick creation of filling, liquid warmth. Conversely, fresh lettuce greens crunch and crisp a musical medley for the mouth.


Though only a few choices are offered for dessert ($5-10), it cannot be ignored. Large boxes, welcoming the remainder of dinner, remind full tummies to find a little more room. The house specialty, simply called, “The Brick,” dresses fresh whipped cream and strawberries atop layers of caramel, bananas, and shortbread. This stacked concoction is then enclosed on four sides with thin, chocolate slabs. The final result, a chocolate brick, beseeches admiration before digestion. Additional choices, including crème brulee ($5) and strawberry cheesecake ($6.50), nicely round out any remaining empty belly pockets.

Saturated with delicious food, full and happy customers relax at their tables casually talking, laughing, or sampling from the extensive wine list. Without garish or brash harshness, lighting is completely sufficient. Pendant fixtures spotlight sparkly halogen bulbs in strategic locations for a feeling of coziness and space. High ceilings and deliberately placed sound absorbers keep restaurant noise to a minimum.

Overall, Brick 29 Bistro harbors a gem in its chef, staff, ambiance, and especially, in its food.

Liz Harding is a junior at Boise State University and can be reached at LizHarding@u.boisestate.edu.

big beginnings

It's been a month since Fall '09 college term got underway. At first, I thought I was going to just die from the workload and the liberal dweebs they call professors at that school (Boise State). I have 4 classes (twelve credits), and none are internet classes anymore. 3 are on the main campus in Boise and 1 is at the local campus. Just a week after being in school, I came down with bronchitis. Then, a week and a half after that, I had to have eye surgery. Although it was nothing serious, I was already exhausted from bronchitis and it has taken me 2 more weeks just to feel like I'm going to live through this ordeal.

Further, I just added an internship (3 more credits) to my load. WHY?! Honestly, this internship is JUST MY THING! Listen to this...The Women's Center (on campus) puts out a yearly publication focused on powerful women in the Treasure Valley. They recruit writers to interview a few of the nominated women and then to write a short bio. I am on board for this project! I am so excited! I will gain valuable experience in interviewing, and, best of all, I will have my name on the byline in the publication (which comes out in March). Additionally, there is a huge gala to celebrate the 25 nominated women and the writers (ahem). This is a catered event (yum free food). Sounds pretty awesome right? I expect to be exhausted and frustrated and scared and stressed at times, but overall, I am thrilled and tremendously at peace to be on board with this project. It's EXACTLY what I've always said I wanted to do. And this is just the beginning...

Hopefully my energy and zest will hold out until December when this term is all over. =) It's really been a heavy load to shoulder. Isn't it amazing how Heavenly Father helps the shoulders to become stronger to accommodate the burden? How, when I feel completely unable to carry it anymore, He reaches down and lifts it for me? Faith is an amazing stress reliever. I know God lives because I have felt His influence directly in my life and felt His presence lift my soul.

Sweet Summer

The honeysuckle and peony smell like pure heaven. My syringa just popped into bloom yesterday and I spent no less than 15 minutes with my nose buried in blossoms yesterday. My first thought when I saw the syringa blossoms was, "My mother would love it!" and my second thought was, "I wish I could gather an armful and put them on my Grandmas' graves. They would all love it!" Unfortunately, 2 of the graves are in Eastern Idaho and 1 is in Montana. (yes, many Grandmas for me thanks to adoption).

We had to spray herbicide on our property for the first time ever. The poison hemlock was out of control this year, and the city slapped us down a cranky letter from the "Noxious Weed Department." Mmmmm, tax dollars hard at work.... I could hardly even go outside while Wayne was spraying, I am so sensitive to the poison. Hopefully the noxious weed will be eradicated without further ado, but I doubt it.

I put my squash plants in extra-large pots this year and they are going crazy! I am so pleased with the result I think I will put a butternut squash plant in another large planter. They seem to thrive! Who knew!! As an added bonus, if I end up needing to spray for squash bugs, then I can keep the pesticide to an absolute minimum. I usually pick off and kill nasty bugs, but squash bugs are so hard to squish and they are SO prolific! Even all of my lovely preying mantis can't keep up with the tremendous hordes. YUCK! Hahaa, squash bugs are hard to squash!!

Speaking of preying mantis, we are seeing our babies hatching from their foamy nests! We have probably 20 little nests here and there around our property, and the babies are SO cute! They must be all of a centimeter long, but they still rear their heads and they mean BUSINESS! hahaha, it is SO cute!

We have 2 garter snakes in residence as well. All of the neighbors had a good laugh last week when I pulled up a tarp and WOO! both little snakies popped out for a visit. I couldn't help myself, I screamed and screamed as I ran around the yard. HAHAHA!! MAN! They are definitely beneficial and welcome in my yard, but hoo-diggety-dog they scared the pee-doodles outta me.

My mother is enduring two months of radiation and chemo to treat the cancer that returned to her throat. I expect she will need all of your prayers. For those of you who attend the temple (LDS Temples) will you please remember to put her name on the prayer roll every time you go? She really needs support and love. Thank you.

Life Goes On...And It Is All Good.

I can't believe it's been a month since my last post! What a relief to be into May and almost done with this term of school. I am looking into internships this summer, however, so I will probably be busy a few hours a week with that (if I get one that is).

Life has been moving along at a steady and satisfactory pace. All of the doctors' appointments panned out well, and it turns out all of the problems I've been having lately are completely related to the original heart/autonomic nervous system disorder. Whew! Whew? Yeah, whew! No strokes, brain tumors, aneurysms, circulatory blockages, kidney disease, or cancer of any kind. Life will continue to be full of ups and downs with my health, but hopefully there will be a few more ups than downs.

I have encountered a few experiences this month that I feel are worthy of note. One occurred while I was walking ( I think a lot as my legs propel me around "the fishbowl"). It happened to be quite cold that day, and I was buzzing as fast as I could to keep warm and to get done! I was complaining in my mind about winter and how particularly long it had been this year. I realized that even through the darkest, longest, winter there is always the hope and faith that spring and summer will come. For those of us who live where there are actual seasons, it's a pretty for sure thing...after winter is spring! Just like after night is morning. LIFE IS THIS WAY. I recently went through a "winter" or a "night" and felt pretty bleak spiritually. In the end, "summer" or "morning" finally came and I was renewed and filled again with hope and enlightenment.

My little pug dog, Sally, was sick a few weeks ago. She was QUITE ill, so ill I wrapped her in blankets and rushed her to the Pet ER in Meridian. I was there for several hours with her as the vets at All Valley Pet Hospital tested her and then took care of the problem. She had a little blockage in her guts that was causing her extreme pain and discomfort. She was VERY ill. I was terrified! For those of you who don't know me very well, I am extremely attached to my little dog. I completely adore her, and here she was in the hospital, so so ill. When the vet told me it was a little blockage and they were going to take care of it right then and there, I felt tremendous relief wash over me. We had been there for several hours while she was being tested, examined, waiting for lab results, and then having the obstruction removed. That whole time I had been watching TV (nothing else to do). I went outside with her so she could poddy. It was about 1:30 A.M., very quiet, very peaceful. I felt peace fall upon me like a blanket. Then, as soon as we walked back into the building, I sat down by the TV again and looked up. RIGHT THEN, a commercial for an LDS video came on, and there was a clip of the Savior on the sea of Galilee calming the waves as He said, "Peace, peace be still." I burst into tears. WHAT WERE THE ODDS? I had been watching TV for hours, this was the first LDS commercial and it happened to open with the Savior saying, "Peace, peace be still." I KNEW that Heavenly Father was watching over me and my little dog. He knew I had been worried and anxious and sad. He blessed me with the message of peace. I knew it was for me. It was not a coincidence. Of course, my Sally began to recover as soon as the blockage was removed and is now back to full health; sassy and happy, bouncing all over everything.

I've had some great talks with my oldest son lately. He loves his old mom just a little I guess. Many times during his life, I have questioned my parenting skills and ached to be a better mother. He has let me know, though, that he is glad I am his Mom, and I haven't done as bad of a job as I thought. Thank goodness for prayer, because I have used it every single day since my sons were born and God has never failed to direct the paths of these magnificent sons. And they are magnificent; my goodness I am a blessed mama.

My magnificent sons are outside in the dark chasing each other around our large yard with air-soft guns, my precious piggy (pug dog Sally) is snoring sweetly on my lap, and life is good. It is really really good.

so weary

Having chronic health issues, I am well accustomed to visiting many doctors and having numerous procedures performed on a regular basis. I casually point out the best vein for blood draws to the lab techs, and yes, numerous poke holes adorn the inner curve of my right elbow. This morning, I made yet another trek to the doc's office and, come next week, I get to add another specialist to my large doctor team. The new doctor is a neurologist, o the joy. Attached to this visit will be more procedures, more lab work, more guessing. What it all boils down to is that the doctors really have no idea what is going on, and they really don't care. It's not THEIR body that malfunctions regularly, they don't wake up nights in excruciating pain coughing to rid the lungs of excess fluid. They don't weep with terror and fear, they don't feel crushing anxiety for their future welfare. Their bodies aren't aging so rapidly it's alarming, and they have plenty of money to see to all of their needs and wants.

It is extremely rare for me to whine about my health issues. Usually I smile and just roll with it, but today, I wanted to gripe and scream and stomp my foot. Not that it will change anything in the least, but for once, I want to voice my fears and frustrations. I'm not even middle-aged yet, and I have the body of a 70-year-old woman. When I go to the cardiologist, I am the youngest patient in the waiting room, by at least 30 years! When I went to the opthamologist (yes, another doc on my team), she was astounded with the problem I have with my left eye, since, yeah you got it, usually only the elderly experience the problem! What have I got to look forward to? I'm 36 now and have all of these problems. So....what happens when I'm elderly?? I can see just see it now. Age 40 I'm on oxygen and a pacemaker, age 50 I'm on a cane and hearing aids, by age 60 add a wheelchair and a braille book, and age 70 a mummified corpse. YIPPEE!!

Navigating the healthcare system makes me feel like a lab rat in a maze desperately trying to find the way out.

Please don't give me any advice or sympathy. I'm just griping, that's all. For so many years I have smiled and soothed everyone else's scared feelings about my health, but not today. Today, I am sick, I am tired, and I don't feel too hot mentally or physically and I don't care how you feel about that. I'm afraid and I'm in pain and I'm deeply concerned for my future. I can't pat you on the back and tell you, "I will be just fine!!!" because I need to start doing that for myself. Go ahead, be worried, be afraid, wonder if I'll live to be 50. I'm too busy just trying to survive to hold your hand.

Conversely, as I walked out of the doctor's office today, I felt peaceful and optimistic for the first time in over 2 years. I was weeping, but I did feel watched over by my Heavenly Father. I felt an overwhelming love from the Savior. I knew that HE knew my suffering, my pain, my sorrow, my tremendous fear; He suffered it all for me in the Garden. He knows when no one else does.

"Where can I turn for peace? Where is my solace? ....He, only One."

My BP is dropping, which means I'm probably headed for a "crash." o the joy. But I've still got homework, class, kids to love and raise, a home to run, cleaning my house, taking care of my yard, church responsibilites, etc. etc. etc.

Solace in Sickness

I'm sick with the flu. Yeah, hooray for me. Achy, feverish, tired, and just a general feeling of YUCK has prevailed all day. I did some of my homework, Math, Chemistry, and Biology wait for no woman sick or not, but was bored stiff laying around in bed all day. I did a bunch of quizzes on FaceBook which told me stuff I already knew (I'm stubborn and independent WOW! surprise!) and was so bored! Suddenly, I remembered I had a stack of Ensigns that I had NOT read. December, January, February, AND March. Since I started school this term, I have been so busy with homework that I've failed to make time to read this crucial publication of modern-day revelation. After I had spent several hours devouring all of the inspiring and poignant articles, I realized that I was grateful that I had come down with the flu. It forced me to turn to that which is of utmost importance and to re-acquaint myself with the words which I love to read, and to reorganize my priorities.

To the Moon and Back

It's been awhile since I last posted. I am so busy with school this term, I've hardly had time to breathe. I've been really worried (what a surprise, I was worried about something) about my family now that I am enrolled at BSU full time. I barely have time to say hello and ask them about their days, much less do very many activities with them. During yesterday's talk time after Joey was in bed, I apologized for being so involved in my homework all the time. I asked him if he felt left out or lonely because I am "nose to my books" literally every day except Sunday. He looked up at me with a sweet expression on his face and said simply, "No." I was a bit surprised and so I probed him a little more, "Are you sure? It's okay to be upset that I'm so involved with school." Once again, he insisted he was totally happy with the situation. Suddenly, it dawned on me, he really was glad! He has been in charge of his own schooling with only guidance and minor direction from me. He pulls up his own schedule every day, writes down what his assignments are, then gets on it. When he needs my help, he simply comes to me, gets the help he needs, then is off again. He is growing up and, for him, the current situation suits him just fine. So, I swallowed my Mommy Guilt and we continued our talk time, then we said goodnight.

As I walked out of his room, I was thinking (yes, it's true, I'm always thinking too!). I know I'm supposed to be getting my education at the full-time level until I am finished (2 more years). I have prayed so hard that Heavenly Father would watch over and protect my family because I simply cannot do it all. And He has! He has picked up where I left off; He has made up the difference.

In our lives, we can do everything in our power to be perfect and righteous and wonderful, but in the end we will always fall short. Guess what? That is just life. It doesn't mean we're bad mothers, terrible people, and unrighteous saints, it simply means we're human. Do we recognize that if we reach up as high as we can Heavenly Father will reach down the rest of the way? Do we see that there are days when we can reach quite high, and other days when we can barely lift our arms at all? Thankfully, that distance doesn't matter to our Father. He will make up the difference.

One of my favorite bed-time stories that I used to read to my boys has a line that says, "I love you to the moon and back." Heavenly Father loves us that much and more.

Plow Through The Pain

A few months ago, my precious mother started experiencing terrible pain in her knee. She went to a chiropractor and obtained temporary relief, but the underlying problem just wouldn't go away. Reluctantly, she consulted a different doctor. The presence of arthritis in her knee was confirmed and surgery was required to correct the problem. Just before Thanksgiving, it was done. During the holidays, she cared for her knee appropriately (well, she overdid it a little, no one can get that chili pepper to stay put), but she wasn't healing as well as she had hoped. For those of you who don't know my mother, she is a tiny woman with bright red hair who never sits still. She hikes all over the hills and mountains of Idaho and even hiked in Moab, Utah last summer. She is the definition of "Zoom, Zoom." Feeling frustrated over her lack of mobility, she sought the counsel of her doctor once again. He was displeased with her recovery as well and referred her to a physical therapist. After 2 weeks of intense therapy, range of motion in her knee still hadn't improved enough. Frightfully, the doctor insisted on a "last ditch" attempt: she needed to come in to the hospital, go under anesthesia, and he would bend that knee to break the scar tissue and free up the joint. She was so nervous about this procedure but knew the choices before her: be maimed for the rest of her life or go through this tremendously painful experience.

Yesterday evening, she called me after she had arrived home from having the bone crunching done. She was happy. The pain was ferocious, almost worse than she could bear, but her prognosis is excellent. The doctor acknowledged the scar tissue was thick and stubborn, but he successfully broke through it and, through a few more weeks of physical therapy, full recovery is expected.

As we talked about her experience, we realized the spiritual likeness in our lives. Oh, so often we are called to travel through experiences that are fierce and flaming. We can either choose to avoid them and remain crippled for eternity, or we can grit our teeth and lift our chin (like my incredible Mama always does) and plow through the pain. As we come out on the other side, we will experience relief, joy, and increased strength.

Please Pay It Forward

I am participating in the Pay it Forward exchange. Keep in mind you have a whole YEAR to do this. This is how it works: Pay It Forward Exchange is based on the concept of the movie "Pay it forward." I will send a hand made gift to the first three people who leave a comment to this post on my blog requesting to join the PIF exchange. All the gifts will be made and posted out within the next year. How exciting to not know when your surprise package will arrive! What you need to do in return is pay it forward by making the same promise on your blog. This Exchange is only open to those with active websites or blogs. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PROMISE TO POST THIS SAME 'PAY IT FORWARD' MESSAGE ONTO YOUR BLOG, WHICH MUST BE ACTIVE IN ORDER TO PLAY. YOU WILL PAY IT FORWARD TO THREE PEOPLE WHO COMMENT ON YOUR BLOG. I'd love for you to join me! Will you? Other comments are welcome, but only the first three will be my Pay It Forward recipients. Come and join me. Who doesn't love a gift or giving gifts??

Dreams With Depth

A couple of nights ago, I had a bizarre dream. I lived in a different house: it was an old historic house that Wayne and I were restoring. It had amazing wood floors that echoed a deep Thunk! when I walked on them. In this dream, I owned a snake; a King Cobra to be exact. (I know, how creepy is that?) This snake was old and a pretty beat up. When it was in its cage it just flopped into a ball and never moved or struck out at anything. One day, the house was quiet and I was there alone. I got to looking at that old, pathetic snake and felt a little sorry for the creature. I decided to let it out of its cage. (I know, you are all screaming, "AHHHH DON'T LET IT OUT!!!" Remember, this is a dream where I couldn't control my actions, okay?) I dumped Mr. Cobra out on the gorgeous hardwood floor, and he just curled up into a harmless little "S" curve and did nothing. I was busy refinishing something and didn't really pay Mr. Cobra much mind. He continued to lay on the floor doing absolutely nothing. I left the room for one second to get some supplies and when I got back, Mr. Cobra was gone. Just like that! I started to panic, "HOLY COW! There is a SNAKE loose in my HOUSE...a KING COBRA!!" No one else was home, remember, but I have 6 pets that I absolutely adore, all of whom would make a tasty meal for a big ugly snake! I started running through the house desperately looking for the filthy creep and praying that he hadn't eaten my husband's Chihuahua, my pug, or the cats.... (I wasn't too worried about Smokey; good luck eating a 75-pound labrador...) Finally, in an upstairs bedroom, I found Mr. Cobra. He was reared up in all his youthful glory, hood fully expanded, looking a WHOLE lot different than the old, sick, pathetic, "S" I had left on the floor only moments before. The focus of his beady eyes was one of my cats, Fizzy. She was crouched under a low table hissing and spitting to beat the band, but she was going to be dinner for Mr. Cobra! I was SO mad that this dirty bum DARED to try and make my kitty his dinner, and I reached out in a flash and grabbed the slimeball around the neck (do snakes have a neck?) and choked it to death.

Upon awakening from this disturbing dream, at first I laughed to myself and thought,"Wow, I must be wacko for dreaming about snakes!" Then, I started to think. Now, most things to me become a spiritual experience because I really look for God's hand in my life. I became aware, almost as slowly as the sun rises, what the meaning of this dream really was for me. How does Satan work? Oh yes, he is a snake for sure, I know he is, but he disguises himself or makes himself appear "harmless" or "pathetic" just like Mr. Cobra did in this dream. Additionally, if I turn my back for even just one second, his true nature will suddenly reveal itself and I will be in immediate peril. Just like in my dream, I need to search out where he may be hiding in my life, whether it be through media influence, complacency in prayer, the "all is well in Zion" syndrome, or any other matter of blindness. Finally, once I discover his influence, I need to recognize my own power to crush it and kill it and rid myself of it.

And maybe I should install wood floors, wow those were sure nice!

Spiritual Serenity

Peering out my window this morning, I saw a soft, white fog resting in the air. Quickly donning my winter gear and hoping for above-freezing temperatures, I stepped out into the clouds. As I moved forward through the quiet mist, I began to think upon spiritual matters. For instance, the fog softens and mutes the sounds of traffic and barking dogs, much like the Holy Spirit quiets the clamoring eruptions of the world. Furthermore, it curves and curls around the earth blurring the rough edges, much like an artist's magic putty. Walking quickly to stay warm, my little pug dog and I soon began to breathe heavily. I felt as if the clouds and I were breathing in opposition to each other; inhaling filled my lungs with the clouds' exhale and vice versa. They and I, existing together, are both God's creations. Further down the road, I discovered some trumpet vines with fog dripping from their naked, outstretched tendrils, and a patch of fountain grass bent meekly under the weight of frosty crystals. I began to think of all the plants and animals that must weather through the season of cold and bitter weather, and then my thoughts turned to my life, and your life, and the lives of all mankind. Truly, we are called on to weather raw and icy seasons of our lives, aren't we? Where do we turn for peace and warmth in those dark and dreary times? A scripture from The Book of Mormon came to my mind as I pondered this question. It is in 2 Nephi 25:26 and it says, "And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins." Just as sunshine is the source of light and heat, Jesus Christ is our source to whom we may turn, if we will, in those sorrowful seasons. May peace from heaven wrap itself around us just as the tranquil fog rested upon the valley today.