so weary

Having chronic health issues, I am well accustomed to visiting many doctors and having numerous procedures performed on a regular basis. I casually point out the best vein for blood draws to the lab techs, and yes, numerous poke holes adorn the inner curve of my right elbow. This morning, I made yet another trek to the doc's office and, come next week, I get to add another specialist to my large doctor team. The new doctor is a neurologist, o the joy. Attached to this visit will be more procedures, more lab work, more guessing. What it all boils down to is that the doctors really have no idea what is going on, and they really don't care. It's not THEIR body that malfunctions regularly, they don't wake up nights in excruciating pain coughing to rid the lungs of excess fluid. They don't weep with terror and fear, they don't feel crushing anxiety for their future welfare. Their bodies aren't aging so rapidly it's alarming, and they have plenty of money to see to all of their needs and wants.

It is extremely rare for me to whine about my health issues. Usually I smile and just roll with it, but today, I wanted to gripe and scream and stomp my foot. Not that it will change anything in the least, but for once, I want to voice my fears and frustrations. I'm not even middle-aged yet, and I have the body of a 70-year-old woman. When I go to the cardiologist, I am the youngest patient in the waiting room, by at least 30 years! When I went to the opthamologist (yes, another doc on my team), she was astounded with the problem I have with my left eye, since, yeah you got it, usually only the elderly experience the problem! What have I got to look forward to? I'm 36 now and have all of these problems. So....what happens when I'm elderly?? I can see just see it now. Age 40 I'm on oxygen and a pacemaker, age 50 I'm on a cane and hearing aids, by age 60 add a wheelchair and a braille book, and age 70 a mummified corpse. YIPPEE!!

Navigating the healthcare system makes me feel like a lab rat in a maze desperately trying to find the way out.

Please don't give me any advice or sympathy. I'm just griping, that's all. For so many years I have smiled and soothed everyone else's scared feelings about my health, but not today. Today, I am sick, I am tired, and I don't feel too hot mentally or physically and I don't care how you feel about that. I'm afraid and I'm in pain and I'm deeply concerned for my future. I can't pat you on the back and tell you, "I will be just fine!!!" because I need to start doing that for myself. Go ahead, be worried, be afraid, wonder if I'll live to be 50. I'm too busy just trying to survive to hold your hand.

Conversely, as I walked out of the doctor's office today, I felt peaceful and optimistic for the first time in over 2 years. I was weeping, but I did feel watched over by my Heavenly Father. I felt an overwhelming love from the Savior. I knew that HE knew my suffering, my pain, my sorrow, my tremendous fear; He suffered it all for me in the Garden. He knows when no one else does.

"Where can I turn for peace? Where is my solace? ....He, only One."

My BP is dropping, which means I'm probably headed for a "crash." o the joy. But I've still got homework, class, kids to love and raise, a home to run, cleaning my house, taking care of my yard, church responsibilites, etc. etc. etc.