Podcast script for school

Collaboration Invites Creative Concepts for Resolving Conflict
By Liz Harding
Conflict Management Comm. 390
Dr. Heidi Reeder
2 November 2009

Hi, once again, this is Dr. Heidi Reeder, the communication doctor, with another tip of the day! Today’s tip contains phrases from the language of collaboration. What is collaboration? It is working together in a joint intellectual effort for the benefit of self and the relationship. What? You can preserve vital relationships and get your own way? Yes, with collaboration, the possibilities are endless!

Being highly constructive, collaboration requires education, skill, and practice. Although conflict can be a scary and tense passage of time, with collaboration, everyone engaged in the conflict feels satisfied when it is over. Furthermore, relationships improve, conflicts are resolved, and you just might find yourself smiling a lot more…and you didn’t even need Cialis or Viagra for the uplifting feeling!

Collaboration costs you nothing except time to practice and hone your skills. Today, you’ll learn a few phrases that you can use on a regular basis in conflict situations. Since it is best to first practice using them in a stress-free environment, practice it on your cat who can’t fight back (too much). By doing this, you can put feeling and form to the words before you actually have to apply them in a real conflict. Write down the following phrases and practice them frequently for your cat’s enjoyment!

The first phrase is an “I” statement based on the action of the other person. It says, “When you (insert a behavior), I feel (insert the emotion you are feeling), because (here’s where you state the reason you feel that way). Afterwards, a follow-up for future reference can be very helpful. For instance, “Fluffy, when you miss the litter box and do your business on the floor, I feel frustrated because then there is a stinky mess that requires cleaning. Dear Fluffy, to resolve this problem can we brainstorm for some helpful ideas?” Remember not to expect kitty to respond, she is after all, still a cat. The point is this; practicing collaborative language in a non-pressure situation gets you accustomed to using those words for when a real conflict occurs.

For example, after you have practiced on Fluffy, you see that your significant other has piled dirty laundry right in front of the bedroom door. Hooray! This is the perfect chance to practice your statement in a real-life conflict! You approach your partner and say, “Significant Other, when you pile your dirty laundry in the entrance to our bedroom, I feel frustrated because then there is a stinky mess which requires cleaning. Dear Significant Other, to resolve this problem, can we brainstorm for some helpful ideas?” Ta-da! Fluffy will be so proud, and you can be too!

Isn’t communication fun? Are you ready for some other helpful collaborative language? The second phrase for today is, “I like to assert myself, and I also like to cooperate with others.” In other words, “I want this relationship to stay healthy and intact, and I have some needs and desires to be met as well.”

Your third phrase uses descriptive language. Without assuming interpretation, talk about what you see in the other person’s behavior. For instance, you come home from work and your spouse is not speaking to you. You might be tempted to say something like, “Well, I can see I did something to make you mad and now you’re taking me on a guilt trip!” Instead, try objectively describing the behavior you see like this, “I’m looking at you and I see your back is towards me, you aren’t talking, and your shoulders are hunched forward. I’m thinking you might be upset and I would like for you to tell me if that perception is correct or not.” This is an open invitation for constructive communication.

Conversely, when two parties are engaged in a conflict, you might run into party poopers who act cranky and rude when you attempt to use your exciting new phrases. Try responding with your next phrase, “I know this is difficult, but we can work it out.” It’s simple, short, easy to remember, and very effective.

What if the other person becomes threatening? Continue to use collaborative language with your next phrase, “Your threat tells me that this issue is really important to you. I don’t work well with threats, so can we start this over and try a new approach?”

Our final phrase for today can be used when you want to collaborate, but the other person expresses that he or she already has the greatest solution and refuses to be swayed. It’s important to look at the situation with an educated mind full of collaborative language and use your fifth phrase, “I see that you feel your idea is the very best solution. Please remember that there are two of us involved in this decision, and I feel confident that we can come up with a solution that both of us feel satisfied with.”

The goal of collaboration is to preserve the relationship and get what you want ALL AT THE SAME TIME. By using the language of collaboration, you will invite creative concepts for resolving conflict.