Lead Thou Me On

It's finally a new year. Since May of 2009, when my mom's cancer returned, nothing has been very joyous. Pretty much since then, I have just been putting one foot in front of another and feeling dazed at the atrocities of life. Since the turn of the year, however, I have been feeling refreshed and renewed. I haven't felt this optimistic in years.

I'm embarking on my last semester of school, and the implications of such an end are enormous. When I graduate in May, I will have been in school for seven years. Since I started part-time at the local community college and had so many Math credits to endure, it has been a very long journey indeed. All those years ago, I knew that it would take me a long time to earn my bachelor's degree, but I also knew that the time would go by regardless of whether I was in school or just sitting on my tookus. Now that those years are nearly at an end, I am so grateful to my Mom, my spouse, my sister, and my two amazing sons for supporting me and being my cheerleaders. The victory is bittersweet since my Mom passed away, and I can hardly bear the thought of graduating without her there, but it is a victory nevertheless.

When I first returned to school, I did it because my son would be leaving on an LDS mission when he was 19 (he was only 11 at the time) and I knew I'd need to be successfully salaried in a decent career in order to pay for such an adventure. Additionally, my Mom always told me that a woman should have an education, and my Dad was a firm supporter of college and education for all his children. I grew up knowing that college was essential. My parents always knew and expressed their desire for me to gain an education.

As I persevered in my education, the reasons for going changed. While I was still thrilled that I'd be able to help pay for my sons' missions, I began to see the classes as self-enriching and life-rewarding. I increased in my personal power and knowledge. I learned to love the journey.

Trust me, there have been so many times (especially since Mom died) when I weep and scream and hate going to class. I've had professors that seemed like 3-headed dragons. I felt frustrated, exhausted, overwhelmed, and just plain miserable. And I still have a semester left so I'm sure those feelings are far from over! Through it all, there has been a strong push, a strength, a light leading me on. I'm no magical fairy, mind you, and I whole-heartedly attribute Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ for empowering me when I was wrung out and on the ground in tears.

And my Mom is still my cheerleader. I've had several sacred spiritual experiences that have confirmed to me her continued presence and support in my life.

It's all good, even when it seems like it's the end of the earth.